It was a beautiful early spring morning, the sky was such a deep brilliant blue with not a cloud to be seen anywhere. The air was still and fresh, as it always is shortly after sunrise. Drops of dew where glistening on the now greening grass as I made my way to the calving pen to check on any new overnight arrivals.
I could see a couple new calves wobbling around on newly found legs nosing around looking for a drink of fresh milk from mommy. Ah, I thought to myself " what a beautiful start to the morning" and just then I heard the song of my favorite bird, the meadowlark, piercing the early morning quiet. I stopped to listen and then smiled, life was good.
I opened the gate and then carefully closed it as I entered the pen with my new carrharrt coveralls and my knee high muck boots. The pen was muddy from the near torrential rains we had all spring. Oh well, I thought, at least we'll have good grass for the cows this summer. I made sure to check behind the calf shelter to see if there were any more newborns. Ah yes, there was another one, still wet from birth. The first time momma cow was licking it and making impatient mooing sounds. Uh, uh, I thought "looks like an overprotective mommy" but that's usually the case with heifers. Seeing that the calf was alive and moving around, I turned away, pleased with the arrival of 3 more healthy additions to the herd.
Still smiling and feeling quite good with myself and the world I started towards the now faraway gate. All of a sudden from right behind me I heard the sound of pounding hooves and an enraged, almost unearthly sounding loud bellowing bawl that only a mother can make while protecting her young. I quickly glanced over my shoulder and seen that bovine weapon of mass destruction heading straight for me at full speed. I saw every bit of that furious 2000 lb female in great detail, eyes wide open mean and red, nostrils flared wide and quivering, saliva streaming out of her gapin mouth in long streams. She was a mad cow. In fact she was the mother of all mad cows. And was closing fast.
And I was scared. I was really scared. I snapped my head back and I started hoofing it for the safety of the gate. Time seemed to slow down to a crawl as I started high pumping my arms and legs. I ran. Hard. My muck boots were touching my carharrts I was moving so fast. Mud was flying. From me and from that crazy cow. She was bawling so hard and loud from right behind me I was sure the incensed noise was pushing me.
I could now feel her expel her hot methane filled breath on my backside, so I expelled some right back at her, involuntarily of course, but that didn't seem to speed me up or slow her down at all. The muck started pulling at my boots till I lost first one then the other one. That seemed to speed me up a bit. My heart was pumping furiously as I was racing towards the waiting gate. I could feel her nose pushing me about every three steps, as I was know skimming the earth as a flat rock skipping on water. I was sure I was approaching warp speed and very close to breaking the sound barrier. I had never run so fast in my life. And talking about life, it was flashing before my very eyes and I started feeling sorry for every one I ever troubled or harmed.
But here now was the gate, I leapt high, grabbing frantically at the gate bars and started climbing, the crazy cow caught up to me and planted her head under my carrharrts and heaved, hard. It hurt. I flew. I was now over the gate to safety and horizontal with the earth. Hands and feet spread wide. I was flying! Before I got to enjoy my flight I crashed. Time sped up and was current again as I plunged straight down into a puddle of stale watery cow byproduct and mud. I slowly sat up spewing mud and water out of my mouth and wiped my eyes so I could see. I was a mess. But I was alive and safe.
And there you have it folks, life on the farm. And I wouldn't have it any other way. louie.
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